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Father Ditka Gets A Hot Load of Truth on His FaceWarning: The following story is a joke. It doesn’t promote hatred or intend to mock anyone, just to show how blatantly stupid and hypocritical Catholics are. Yeah I guess it mocks them then....whatever. Sue me, all you’ll get is the trampoline. “Praise the Lawd!!!’ screamed Father Ditka as he ran down the aisle with his portable boom box he bought at Ames, at a discount price, before they went out of business. It blared Christian Emo Rock group Fall Out Jesus’s song ‘This aint a Religion, It’s the One True Way’ “Do you feel it?!!’ he yelled in a young man’s face almost head butting him in a frenzied half balanced charge down through the rows of pews. ‘Sort of’ replied the teen. At this blasphemy, Father Ditka ran to the front of the church and pointed at the boy in the front pew. “I bet you wouldn’t have ‘kinda felt’ your hand prodding your little demon when you go home at night and watch ‘The Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search’ now would you!!!” The young man ran out of the church in tears. “SINNNNNNNNAAAARRR!!! CAST HIM DOWWWWNN!!” bellowed Ditka wiping the sweat from his holy uni-brow. ‘Would you look at that whooore!!!’ shouted Ditka at the T.V., which was playing a commercial for an anti-depressant ad and had a young girl in a skirt running through a field with a dog. ‘THATS RIGHT SLATTERN!! SHOW THEM ANKLES!!’ He then takes a bottle marked ‘Holoft’ and pops 3 small pills, before going into a rage fueled rant of slurred speech about the state of society: ‘NUTTINBUTFILTH!!! YOUNG MEN BEING CORRUPTED BY SATAN!! THA DARK LORDY!!! HEAVY METAL!!! PORNOGRAPHY!!! STAMP COLLECTING!!!! ALL SHOWING SIGNS OF PRIDE AND ENVY!!! GODDAMNALLTHERESOULSTOTHE INTERNAL HELLSFIRE!!!’ Suddenly, the Cruci-cell rang (Ditka’s cell phone in the shape of a cross) and he answered it. “Lord bless your soul” “Peanut Brittle” Ditka snapped into serious mode in a second. He was all ears to the secret code word of utmost importance. “Im listening” "We have a mission for you Dit.....” “What does it entail?” “We cant tell you until you get there” “What the bladdy hewl are you talking about?” “If you accept this, you’ll wake up tomorrow already starting and being fully ensconced in the mission....thats all I can say. Are you game?” “WELL THE GOOD LAWD ALWAYS SAID THAT YOU GOTTA MAKE SACRIFICES FOR THE TRINITY YOU KNOW!!! IM WILLING TA SACRIFICE!!! I’VE BEEN CALLED FORTH BEFORE, AND I HAD A VERY IMPORTANT LACROSSE GA-” “Shut up Ditka. You game or not?” “Your dad gum right I am” Ditka came too mumbling a slow lethargic mixture of ‘Hail Marys’ and got to his feet slowly...he looked around at his surroundings....a dark alley...it reeked of rotten fish and blasphemy of an unknown nature. He felt in his robe for his scented banana holy water, and all he found was that his legs were exposed almost higher then 2 inches above the knee....he almost passed out at this unholy display of carnal lust...HE WAS WEARING SHORTS!!! Ditka began to pant and pace in the smelly darkness...he needed light!!! He began running towards the end of the alley in a frantic discombobulated bow-legged stumble, sweating like Mel Gibson at a Hanakkuh dinner. He finally reached the light and looked down covertly at his legs, having not seen them in 4 years. THE SHORTS WERE PINK ALSO. Feeling extremely woozy, Ditka sat down on the curb. How would God ever forgive him for such a display of self-expression and indulgence in colors?!!! But he figured that it was part of the mission, and that his soul may not burn in the Red River Stix if it was for the betterment of the Church. “Hi cutie” came a voice from his left. Ditka looked over to see a young man with flowing blonde hair in a ‘Save The Tree’ shirt and cutoff daisy dukes. Ditka almost vomited. Was this man....a—a—a gay?!!! Where was he?!!! was this even the mission at all?!! or was this hell?!!! Had he made some sort of mistake in his life and died in his sleep last night? His mind raced....could it be cause of that time he peeked a look at that Mia Farrow poster in his brothers bedroom? Or maybe the time when he ate an extra corn on the cob at Thanksgiving?.....“I’m talking to you” giggled out the man. “AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!’ Ditka yelped and ran away to the amazement of the young man on the curb. He had to get out...this sin was not worth the betterment of the Church...what if one of them touched him?!!! Was homosexuality contagious?!!! While he was running he felt a metal object hitting up against his chest....he looked down at it...it was a key!!! He stopped running and searched in his pocket for some sort of note to tell him where the key went too...He found it. A simple white piece of paper with the words “1123 Cutter Street” written on it....he had to find Cutter Street quickly before the possibly airborne homosexuality virus entered his lungs.... ‘I hope his holiness shows up soon....’ whispered a tall skinny fair skinned man in a baggy pair of pants and a FUBU shirt with a doo rag on his bald head. He was sitting at the back of the diner eating some sausages...just sausages. He knew it was a tad suspicious, but he was nervous and couldn’t spit out the words ‘english muffin’ or even ‘bacon’ to the waitress. An old couple sneered at him at the counter while the Kenny Chesney song ‘I Wear This Cowboy Hat So Nobody Can Tell I’m Bald’ played on an old jukebox. Then he entered. He chewed on his Jimmy Dean’s and tried to mask his astonishment. Would anybody ever believe the Pope would dress up like a gangster in order to hide his Identity? Someone giggled in the back of the restaurant at the man who was at least 65 wearing Timberlands and a plastic dollar sign necklace with a 5 sizes to big SouthPole short. His Holiness sat down. The waitress came over and asked him what he wanted ‘coffee....black please. Jesus don’t like sugar’ The waitress seemed un-phased by the remark and went in the back to get his beverage. ‘Is he in place?’ The Pope asked. ‘Yeah....he must be stupid to take a case like this, when he didn’t even know what it was about’ the other man stated. ‘Well hes a good little Lamb, prob never even seen that episode of Boy Meets World where Topanga shows her tits’ laughed the Pope. ‘Excuse me Holiness?...’ “Never mind....you don’t think that he'll snap and start sympathizing with the gays do you?’ scoffed the Pope. “I’m guessing not...we’ve tested him..last week we gave him free porn on his T.V. and he didn’t even watch it” “Good...Good...” “Your Holiness.....” started the man questioningly. “Why do you feel its necessary to change homosexuals for? They’ve never harmed anyone....I thought Jesus said that we should love everyone and turn the other ch-” “Ohhhh would you look at that!!!” The Pope interrupted purposely. “I’ve got a new Young Jeezy video available on my celly!!!....Im going to go download it outside. Go With God, and order some eggs or something, you look like an A-hole eating only sausages” He then ran outside tripping over his untied shoelaces leaving the man sitting there in pure astonishment. Ditka had finally found it...he had never ran so much and so fast in his life, other then the time when he was 4, and his Dad chased him through the woods for 2 days straight dressed in a Satan costume when he caught him washing his penis in the shower. He ran towards the door and fumbled with the key to get it in the lock when a large man came up behind him and asked what was wrong with him. Grabbing his plastic cross necklace till his hands turned beet red, he tried to beat the man off with it while walking backwards through the doorway. He slammed the door and searched for the light switch. ‘YEOOWW!!’ Ditka yelled as something pricked his hand.IT WAS AN AIDS NEEDLE. He knew it was. It was all over. Then he found the light-switch and looked for the syringe stuck into the wall by some hooligan. But all he found was a tack dripping a bit of blood. “THANK JESUS” he sighed into the room. But who would bang a tack into the wall with the pointy side out? “McGee doesn’t really write stories too well does he...” laughed Ditka very relieved, while moving towards the refrigerator, hungry from all his evil fighting. As he opened the door to the old fridge, it came off his hinges and fell on his foot, crushing his toes and causing pain to shoot up his foot. ‘AHHHH GODDAM-” He stopped mid-sentence, forgetting about the pain. Had he just uttered the first syllables of the Lord’s name in vain? This mission was a disaster. He tried to walk towards a table, and forgetting about his foot, fell face first in a pile of old decaying dog-shit on the floor. Ditka came to for the second time that day, and meagerly got to his feet this time remembering to favor the un-injured one. Putting his hand down on the table for balance, he felt something crack under his palm. Sitting down and studying the object closer, he saw it was a fortune cookie he had crushed. “Now what would an object of Satan such as future prediction be doing here all alone on a table?!!! Is there a sweatshop nearby? Was there once a time when 35 Chinese heathens slept in this very room and kidnapped good honest God-fearing little boys dogs for supper or sacrifices to Buddha?!!!” he yelled angrily into the empty room. Did he dare look at the paper of devilment within? He remembered he needed to research evil if he wanted to fully understand it, that’s why he owned the entire back collection of AC/DC records and listened to them everyday. He picked it up and began to read from it. To his surprise, there was the words of Jesus printed on the paper staring back at him. GO OUT AND PREACH MY WORDS. This was a message from the Church, he knew it. Flipping it over, there lied another message: He looked at his dollar store plastic waterproof watch (the Lord don’t much care for snazzy electronics) and saw the time was 7:05 PM. He was already 5 minutes late!!!!! “Alright guys!!! They’ve traveled the world pleasing there millions of pre-pubescent girl fans and giving them there first vaginal wetness, they’ve traveled all the way from Indo-china where they were saving starving 8 year olds from the hands of dictators to be here....ladies and gentleman...HANSON!!!” The small park full of people roared with applause as the 3 piece came out on stage and the lead singer began speaking into the microphone. “Alright dudes!!! this tune is called ‘Shroom Bop’ and is about are time in Amsterdam where we all know that certain things are legal over there that arent over her-” All of sudden every bodies attention was drawn to a man with a face full of shit and with a horrible limp running up on the stage and screaming passages out of the bible in foreign tongues. “Get off the stage long hair!!” shouted Ditka at the lead Hanson. Having no security guards around anymore after losing so much popularity over the years, the Hanson’s walked off the stage defeated and back into their pink tour bus that was actually a renovated ice cream truck. Ditka looked out among the faces in the crowd. This was it!!! This was the sin, and his job was to stamp it out!!! “You boy!!! What’s your sexual preference?!!’ he screeched at a young man in the front row. “I’m a proud homosexual” the man said, followed by cheers all around him. “Well what do you know....He’s a HOMOSEXUA-L. Boy do you know that when the devils licking your anus hairs in hell it aint gonna be an enjoyable experience?!!! EVER LASTING DAMNATION FOR EVEN LOOKING AT A MAN IN A SEX-UAL MANNER LET ALONE ACTING ON IT!!!” “But the Bible teaches that God loves all his children” said the man. “Well only the ones that follow the word!!!” yelled back Ditka. “If God created everybody in his image and made me, and He doesn’t like gays, then why am I gay for? I guess that means Jesus is gay” retorted the man. Ditka had had enough of this blasphemy. Taking his spare aspergillum he jumped down off the stage and began swinging it around like a chain. “Feel that holy water!!! Don’t it burn?!!!” He then charged the man who stepped out of the way causing Ditka to fall forward onto the grass. At that moment, Ditka thought about what he was doing....how different were these people then him? Why was he harassing them for? Cause they weren’t like him? All his life he had never questioned the Lord’s word, but here and now, with a foot the size of a soccer ball and face full of canine feces he was beginning to wonder.....he got to his feet and looked around. He saw people, just like him, all caught up in this confusing world, all flesh and bone.....he started to speak. “FUCKING SINNERS!!! GAHHHHH!!!!! I KNEW YOU GAYS COULD READ MY MIND SO I WAS THINKING LIKE I WAS GOING TO SEE THE LIGHT!!!! FUCK ALL OF YOU!!! GAHHHHH!!!” he then collapsed of a heart attack and died in the middle of the park. The same man that sat at the sandwich shop earlier that morning dressed in gangster clothes, now sat at a Pizza Hut, this time looking inconspicuous as a Goth. Thankfully there was a whole group of them that just came from a Marilyn Manson show and were munching on breadsticks by him. He fit in perfectly, googles and all. Then entered his holiness, in the same fashion....apparently even He couldn’t bring himself to wear a Manson shirt, so he just wore platform boots and had tears painted on his face. “That was a lesson learned wasn’t it?” said the Pope angrily. “Yes and a man lost his life in the process” returned the man. “Well we had to see if the old way would drive someone insane, and that it did...drove the man to death...we’ll have to try harder and get the elders to learn that the Church accepts Homosexuality now in order to bring in more income––ing love of God” stated the Pope. “But you’ve seen him..he was fanatical, everything we expected came true short of his death” “I know.....well lets order some hash browns” joyfully came back the Pope. “Its 3 AM in an all night pizza hut Holiness...I don’t think they have Hash Browns” “Ill get it im the Pope goddamn it!!!” Before he could get up to sexually harass a waitress and see if he could get some hash browns, the other man stopped him. “Holiness....are we REALLY still practicing Christianity? I mean I’ve been losing sleep at night thinking that we may be defying God’s word for our own purposes..I mea-” “Oh look...there’s a hottie.” The Pope interrupted, obviously not listening. “Nice patuzu on her. Im gonna see if I can score some sour cream with them hash browns”..... About the author: He’s a fucking idiot.
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